Park wi-fi

based on an article by Baz Blakeney

1   MY COUNCIL is thinking about turning the city's parks into wi-fi hot spots. How brilliant is that? The parks could soon be full of people doing exciting e-stuff, like updating their Bookfaces or watching cats dance on YouSpace. Teenagers will be able to play virtual sport without getting all sweaty and dirty and without burning off any of that valuable puppy fat, which they need for winter warmth. You won't have to hang around the playground to watch kiddies falling off swings to get your laughs. Just Google "kids falling off swings".
2   My council has many great ideas. Once they installed little electronic speakers in the park that emitted bird sounds when you walked past them. I should point out that it was difficult to hear the bird sounds unless you put your head close to the speaker. That's because the park was full of annoying sounds from real birds. But, still, a top idea.
3   The other great thing about this wi-fi park idea is the increase in electro-magnetic radiation. You can get a top-up while you're walking the dog or having a jog or a family picnic. You can never have too much radiation. Radio stations and TV stations pump their little waves through us day and night. That's so we can listen to Pink and watch shows like The Biggest Loser. Big buzzy powerlines drop radiation from above. Electric doors give us a little zing when we go in or out. Every time you travel on a train or tram, you are surrounded by people clutching handheld zappers so they can follow the enthralling adventures of Mel B on Twitter.
4   Some kooky conspiracy theorists say all this electronic activity is bad for us. That sometime down the track, we will suffer the health consequences of our bodies being constantly bombarded by radiation. I say phooey. These are probably the same nutcases who told us that the moon landing was a hoax filmed in a TV studio.   1  , the World Health Organisation classifies mobile phone radiation as only a Group 2B danger (possibly causing cancer). Until that "possibly" is changed to "definitely", I say tweet on.
5   I was given an invaluable lesson the other day in how technology has changed our lives. A friend and I attended a short, free piano concert at the State Library, where a man played a grand piano. It's difficult to describe but, take my word for it, it was cute. Most of the crowd spent the entire concert watching it through their mobile phone screens as they videoed it. Many walked away before the piece was finished and stood in a corner sharing and comparing their video grabs. By the time the performance was over, half of the audience had moved off, with only slightly less grace and dignity than a tribe of gibbons that had run out of bananas. But the most important thing was that they had their snippets of video that they could upload on their YouFace pages. Right next to the footage of the dancing cats. Soon they may be able to do it in the park. And I'll be able to tell my grandchildren I was there to see it.

Herald Sun, 2012